


the beginning of forever

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Coming Out, Fluff, M/M, Reality, Sexual Identity, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 18:19:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11258337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: that amazing week they spent together in phil's house in 2009





	the beginning of forever

_dan, guess what!_

_whatttt_

_i miss your face and i want to see it right now plz_

_im at work D:_

_i’ll go on skype when im back, it’ll be late tho_

_that’s ok :] i’d wait up all night for you_

_jesus fucking christ youre a sap_

_ily <3_

 

Phil smiled and tucked his phone in his pocket. Dan was right; he was a fucking sap. He couldn’t quite believe how quickly Dan had woven himself into the fabric of his life to the point that he physically craved him every single day, but he certainly wasn’t trying to play it cool. And that was ok, because neither was Dan.

 

They’d only met each other in person a month ago, but already Phil could hardly picture a time before this wonderful boy was occupying his every waking thought.

 

These thoughts were interrupted when he heard a knock on his bedroom door.

 

“Little brother? Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Phil was convinced that when he was created he got the worst traits from each of his parents. Meanwhile his older brother Martyn got all the good ones: athletic, musical, good at everything. He couldn’t say he wasn’t constantly jealous, but it was hard to be bitter, as Martyn was also an amazing brother. In fact Phil considered him a good friend.

 

But that didn’t mean he didn’t take the piss. Regularly.

 

“Why are you always hiding out in here, mate? You need to get out more.”

 

“I’m not!” Phil protested, although he had to admit to himself that lately he did spend an inordinate amount of time in his room on Skype. And twitter. And Dailybooth.

 

“I have Twitter, Phil. I’ve seen you go on and on all day long with your boyfriend.”

 

Phil froze. He’d never been bothered about trying to hide who he was from his friends and subscribers, but his family knew nothing about the true nature of his relationship with Dan.

 

They were a close-knit family by anyone’s standards, but they were also very traditional. A man was supposed to be strong, handy, heterosexual. Phil was none of these things, and felt keenly the contrast he made to his brother.

 

He’d known he liked boys since he was old enough to even know what that meant. He thought he liked girls too, or else why would he feel such an intense yearning for Sarah Michelle Gellar? He wasn’t even uncomfortable labelling himself bisexual on the internet. But he hadn’t felt ready to add yet another bullet point to the list of ways in which he had failed to lived up to his parents’ expectations.

 

He was not ashamed of Dan. And he wasn’t unsure. He just didn’t want to be made to feel in any tiny corner of his heart that his feelings for Dan were wrong.

 

“You… know? About Dan?” Phil stuttered.

 

“Uh… I was kidding…”

 

“Oh.” Phil’s heart was hammering. “Shit.”

 

“So… he actually is your boyfriend?”

 

Phil looked down at his hands and nodded.

 

“Phil…” Martyn put his hand on Phil’s shoulder then. “That’s brilliant. I was wondering when you’d finally meet someone.”

 

Phil looked up at his brother, who was smiling ear to ear.

 

“Did you know? That I’m…” He trailed off.

 

“Into guys?”

 

Phil nodded again.

 

“I figured. You’re almost 23 and you’ve never had a girlfriend, Phil.”

 

“Right.” He felt an odd combination of relief and anxiety rush through him. If Martyn had figured it out, maybe his parents had too?

 

“It’s not a big deal. I’m kind of offended you never just told me on your own. I’m your brother for Christ’s sake.”

 

“Sorry.” He didn’t know what to say. He realized then that he hadn’t had any good reason for keeping this part of himself a secret from his brother.

 

“So what’s the sex like?”

 

Phil had to laugh then, punching Martyn in the shoulder and yelling, “Shut up!”

 

“Oh no, that bad?”

 

“Actually shut up,” Phil said, unable to wipe the smirk off his face.

 

“Well if you ever need any relationship advice you can always come to me.”

 

“Right, thanks. I’ll remember that if I’m ever desperate to drive him away.”

 

Martyn chuckled. “I’m serious though. I’m well happy for you. You seem happy.”

 

“I am.”

 

“Anyway, Mum sent me in here to get you for tea.”

 

*

 

A few hours later, Phil was lying in bed with his laptop when he got a text from Dan.

 

_do you mind if we skip skype tonight. im tired_

 

Phil felt his heart flutter nervously for a moment. Something was wrong. Dan was no stranger to staying up well into the early morning hours waffling to Phil.

 

_dan it’s only 10… whats wrong??_

 

_nothng_

_dan_

_don’t wanna talk about it_

 

Phil called him anyway, crossing his fingers that Dan would answer. When he saw Dan’s face appear on his computer screen, blotchy and tear stained, he panicked.

 

“Oh God, what’s happened?”

 

“It’s nothing Phil, it doesn’t even matter,” Dan said, wiping his nose.

 

“Well please tell me anyway, or I’m going to think the worst.”

 

Dan turned away from the screen then and Phil felt his heart sink. “Are you… breaking up with me?” He asked quietly.

 

Dan quickly turned his head back and said, “God, Phil, of course not. Don’t be daft. You’re the only good thing in my life. You should probably break up with me though, just spare yourself.”

 

“Dan, what the hell are you talking about? What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m just… so shit. At everything.”

 

Phil was still learning to navigate Dan’s uncomfortable tendency for self-loathing, beginning to identify Dan’s sometimes brash, sarcastic humour for what it was: a mask, a disguise for his many anxieties and insecurities. Phil’s heart broke a little every time and he wished he could make Dan see himself the way Phil did; hilarious, full of passion and emotion, endearingly impulsive.

 

“Please tell me.”

 

Dan wiped at his eyes harshly. “I got fired.”

 

“Oh. Why?”

 

“I’m just a shit employee. I was always late and when I did show up I would fuck off and not do any work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong with you. You just hated your job. But it’s ok because you’ve got YouTube now. Making videos can be your job.”

 

Dan laughed coldly. “Yeah. Videos. Another thing I’m ridiculously shit at.”

 

“That’s not true. People love you, and you know it. Pretty soon you’ll have more subscribers than me.”

 

Dan just sniffed and looked at Phil.

 

“Remember at the Halloween gathering? You thought no one would know who you were and then loads of people were telling you how funny your videos are?”

 

Dan nodded. Phil couldn’t help noticing just how young he looked in that moment.

 

“And you’ve only just started. Your videos will keep getting better, just like mine did. Especially since your boyfriend has Jesus editing skills.”

 

Dan looked at Phil in surprise. “Boyfriend?”

 

“Um, I mean I guess I just assumed-”

 

“Boyfriend. I like it. I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

 

“Me neither,” Phil smiled. “Hey that reminds me, I kind of… came out? To Martyn. Well more like he pulled me out, but yeah…”

 

“I didn’t know he didn’t know.”

 

“My family doesn’t know. Does yours?”

 

“I mean, I haven’t sat them down and told them.”

 

“Does it bother you?” Phil asked quietly. Why had they never talked about this before?

 

“No. I’ll tell them eventually, I guess. My family’s not like yours, Phil. We don’t have tea together and hang out. We’re just people who live in the same house.”

 

“What about your brother?”

 

Dan snorted. “My brother’s thirteen. When was the last time you met a thirteen year old boy who was cool about guys fucking other guys?”

 

Phil winced. Dan could be rather tactless when he was upset.

 

“I’m sorry, Phil. You’re just trying to talk to me and I’m being an asshole.”

 

Phil shrugged. “You’re having a bad day.”

 

“Yeah. But you’re the only one who could make me feel better. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

 

“S’ok, Dan.” Phil looked down at his keyboard so he didn’t have to see the look on Dan’s face when he asked, “Do you think you’ll tell them… soon?”

 

Dan sighed. “Why are you so interested in this all of a sudden?”

 

“I just… I’m not used to keeping secrets from my parents. And it didn’t really matter before. But now…”

 

“Now you have a boyfriend,” Dan smiled.

 

“Yeah.” Phil smiled back, feeling warmth flood his chest. He knew it was silly, but he really liked hearing Dan say it.

 

“So… what did Martyn say?”

 

“He asked me about the sex,” Phil grinned.

 

“What sex?” Dan teased.

 

“Oi! Technically we just met a month ago. And we’ve only actually been physically together a few times. What do you take me for?”

 

Dan laughed. “I don’t know how much longer I can wait, Lester. You’re kind of hot.”

 

Phil beamed. He knew it was just banter, but he felt his pulse quicken slightly all the same. “Speaking of sex…”

 

Dan’s eyes went wide. “Yeah?”

 

“My family’s going to Isle of Man for a week. You should come live with me while they’re gone.”

 

Dan was speechless for a moment. Phil laughed. It wasn’t often that he was the cheekier of the two, so he revelled in Dan’s astonishment.

 

“Fuck, Phil. You can’t just say things like that when you’re not here to follow through.”

 

“Maybe I want you to start thinking about it.” He was still smiling, but he felt his heart rate pick up nervously. He wasn’t really joking anymore.

 

Dan wasn’t smiling. He was looking at Phil with dark eyes. “Maybe I already have been.”

 

Phil’s smile disappeared. They definitely weren’t joking now. His mind flashed back to the few times they’d been together since their first weekend alone, and how little exploring they’d managed to sneak in between trips to town with Phil’s friends and dinners with his parents. They’d discovered it was hard to fool around with your mum sleeping in the next room.

 

But they were young and desperately attracted to each other and the waiting was starting to make them crazy.

 

“So you’ll come?”

 

Dan raised an eyebrow cheekily. “I guess that depends how good you are.”

 

“Dan! I meant come stay with me!” Phil spluttered.

 

“Oh, right. Of course I will.” Dan laughed. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to do the other as well.”

 

“I would too, Dan. I wish we could right now.”

 

“Me too… I miss you,” Dan said quietly, as if unsure how Phil would react to his sudden sincerity.

 

“I miss you too. I think about you like all the time. It’s kind of ridiculous.”

 

“I think about you too, Phil.” Dan bit his lip then before saying, “I think about you naked and what I want to do to you next time we’re together.”

 

“God, Dan. ‘You can’t just say things like that when you’re not here to follow through,’ remember?” He felt the crotch of his jeans grow just the slightest bit tighter. He wondered why he was still wearing them; he was alone in his room, after all. “Hold on, be right back.” He set his laptop down, careful to angle it away from himself so Dan couldn’t see him taking them off.

 

When Phil picked up his laptop Dan said, “What was that?”

 

“Just… getting more comfortable,” Phil said sheepishly.

 

“Oh really? Well in that case…” Dan stood up, put his laptop down and angled it so that Phil could see everything from Dan’s head to his knees. He slowly unzipped his jeans and shimmied them down to his ankles before kicking them off, his eyes never once leaving Phil’s.

 

Where Dan found this confidence Phil didn’t know, but he decided then and there that he wasn’t going to let it go to waste. He was half-hard already and Dan was so beautiful and he was tired of pining like a lovesick teenager. He leaned back a little on the headboard of his bed and moved his laptop so that Dan could see exactly the effect he was having.

 

“Keep going,” Phil said, his voice husky.

 

Dan reached back and grabbed his shirt by the neck, pulling it off over his head in one fluid motion. He dropped it to the floor and let Phil stare for a moment before moving back to sit in his desk chair. He placed the computer on the desk and angled it so Phil could see his naked chest and Calvin Klein pants.

 

Phil could feel his pulse racing as he took in the beauty of Dan’s prominent collarbones and long smooth torso, the trail of dark hair below his navel.

 

“What are you going to do to me next time we’re together, Dan?” Phil asked, slipping his hand into his boxers.

 

“Everything. I want to touch you and lick you everywhere.” Then he slid his hand below his pants and sighed. “I want to suck your cock until you come in my mouth.”

 

“Oh god.” Phil’s stomach flipped as arousal coursed through him. He’d known the lust Dan could make him feel, but hearing him say something like that was almost too much. He wrapped his hand around himself and started to tug as he said, “Can I watch you?”

 

Dan pulled himself out of his pants and he was hard and full and Phil couldn’t believe this gorgeous boy was his. “I want to see you too,” Dan croaked.

 

Then they were quiet apart from soft, deep moans traded back and forth as they watched each other. Phil couldn’t decided what was turning him on more, Dan’s long fingers wrapped around himself or the look of hunger in his eyes as he watched Phil. He wished he could reach out and touch Dan as he came, and he vowed in that moment that he would make the most of their upcoming time together. He didn’t want to waste any more time feeling nervous or inadequate; he wanted to feel every part of Dan, to learn each and every possible way to make him feel good.

 

“Why haven’t we done that before?” Dan asked, after they’d cleaned up and tucked themselves back into their clothes.

 

“We’re idiots. All this time I’ve been wanking alone in the dark.”

 

“Same,” Dan laughed. “What a waste.”

 

Phil felt happy and sated, but now that cyber-sex with a hot boy was no longer imminent, he had some questions for Dan that he couldn’t keep to himself any longer.

 

“Dan?”

 

“Hm?” Dan seemed to be caught still in the dreamy post-orgasm haze.

 

“Was that stuff you said just dirty talk or…”

 

“No.” Dan’s reply was immediate and emphatic. “I mean, unless you’re not into it.”

 

“I am,” Phil said quickly. “I definitely am.”

 

“Well, good.” Dan sounded hesitant then. “That doesn’t mean I’ll know what to do though.”

 

Phil steeled himself for what he was about to say. “Well, I can help you with one of them. Remember when I said I knew how to do some things?”

 

Dan’s eyes widened a little as he nodded.

 

“Well, that’s one.”

 

“Part of me is so turned on by that and the other part is poisonously jealous of whoever came before me.”

 

“Just think of it like I was practicing so I could be good for you,” Phil grinned wickedly.

 

Dan raised an eyebrow. “So you’re good?”

 

“I guess you’ll have to let me know.”

 

Dan closed his eyes. “Phil, I literally just came two minutes ago, do not get me started again.”

 

“Sorry,” he laughed.

 

“What about… the other thing.”

 

“You can say sex, Dan. It’s perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of. When two people-”

 

“Shut up!” Dan squealed. “I mean… like, it’s different with two guys, right? Like sex with girls is easy. You know who does what. You know where you’re supposed to…go.” He put his hands over his face and mumbled, “I sound like such a twat.”

 

“Dan, I don’t really know any better than you do. We can figure it out together,” Phil said softly. “I mean, there _are_ things you can, you know… try practicing. On yourself. To see if you like-”

 

“Have you done that?” Dan was staring at Phil now, eyes rapt.

 

“Yeah.” He tried hard to sound self-assured. He wanted to help Dan through his confusion in any way he could.

 

“And do you like it?”

 

“Umm, sometimes.” Phil could feel colour rushing to his cheeks. He couldn’t help feeling that this particular conversation was almost more intimate than sex itself. “I have to be really turned on. And you have to… find the right spot. Which can take a while.”

 

“Any tips?” Dan asked nervously.

 

“I’m not exactly an expert. You could probably find out way more tips if you just look it up. But… make sure you use lube. And go slow at first.”

 

“What if I hate it?” Dan said quietly. “What if I’m not… good. At any of it.”

 

Phil was struck then with just how deep Dan’s feelings of inadequacy ran. His heart ached at the thought that any part of Dan could believe that he wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was going to have to work harder to convey just how ludicrous that belief was.

 

“Dan, even if we never do more than what we did that first weekend at my house, I’d be the luckiest man in the world. But… there’s no way you could be bad at loving me. I don’t expect you to know what to do. We’ll figure it out together, and whatever happens will be amazing _because_ it’s you.”

 

Dan sniffled. “God. You really are AmazingPhil.”

 

*

 

Phil stepped off the bus into the frigid late November air and made his way to the train station to await Dan’s arrival. He felt fluttering in his stomach, different to the nerves he had felt on their first meeting. This time it was excitement and anticipation and pure unadulterated joy at the fact that he and Dan had a house to themselves for an entire week.

 

Soon the train was pulling in and Dan was walking towards him, beaming. Even after near nightly Skype calls and several meet-ups, Phil was astounded by just how striking this young man was, all brunette hair and dark eyes and long limbs. They embraced each other tightly and Dan shivered.

 

“Jesus it’s bloody freezing out here. Let’s go home so you can warm me up.” He winked.

 

Phil laughed. “I’m taking you out on a proper date first, Howell.”

 

They walked the chilly streets of downtown Manchester and got food and made plans for their week. They stole quick kisses and held hands under the table at the restaurant and giggled like schoolgirls. They returned to the skybar at the Hilton and sipped overpriced drinks as they watched the sunset, the bar growing dark and the city coming alive with a million twinkling Christmas lights.

 

On the bus ride home Dan nuzzled into Phil’s side, hand placed high on Phil’s thigh, stroking lightly with his thumb. Phil’s brain was fuzzy and warm from the alcohol, but not enough to stop him feeling a thrill at Dan’s touch.

 

As soon as they were inside and Phil had closed his front door, Dan turned around and grabbed Phil’s hips, pushing him gently but firmly until his back was pressed up against the door. He brought his mouth to Phil’s and kissed him deeply, running his hands up under Phil’s coat and shirt to rest on the bare skin of his waist. Phil’s mind clouded with desire instantly and he kissed back harder, brushing Dan’s bottom lip with his tongue and snaking his arms around Dan’s waist to grab his ass and push their hips together. Dan moaned into Phil’s mouth and moved his hands up to unzip Phil’s coat and push it off his shoulders enthusiastically. Phil pulled his lips from Dan’s and stared into his dark brown eyes as he removed Dan’s coat. “Bed?”

 

Dan nodded. Phil slid his hand into Dan’s and led him to the bedroom. Before Phil had time to form a thought about what to do next, Dan’s lips were on his, licking into his mouth lightly, hands cupping his jaw. It was slow and sweet and Phil felt himself relax a little after the frantic clawing from only moments earlier.

 

He felt Dan’s hands run down the front of his shirt, curl under the hem and tug upwards. He lifted his arms and Dan pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside before moving his mouth back to Phil’s.

 

A deep ache was beginning to build in Phil’s stomach. The kisses were slow and measured and their hands touched each other gently, but Dan had clearly taken control and it was making Phil weak. Then Dan’s hands were slowly but confidently unbuckling Phil’s belt, unzipping the fly, pushing his jeans down to his ankles and Phil felt his stomach flip.

 

Dan leaned in to whisper low in Phil’s ear, “Get on the bed.”

 

Phil kicked the jeans off his ankles and climbed onto the bed. Dan quickly unzipped his own jeans and kicked them off before climbing onto the bed, hitching his leg over Phil’s hips to straddle him. Phil placed his hands on Dan’s hips and looked up at the beautiful half naked boy on top of him.

 

“God, Dan. Where’d that come from?”

 

“I missed you,” Dan replied simply before leaning down and kissing the spot right under Phil’s ear. “Remember what I said I wanted to do to you on Skype that night?” He whispered.

 

Phil nodded.

 

“Well I’ve been thinking about it ever since. And I’m tired of waiting.”

 

Phil’s chest heaved as Dan hooked his fingers under the waistband of Phil’s boxers, pulling them all the way down and dropping them off the side of the bed.

 

Phil was naked and hard and unbelievably turned on, but somehow still found the self-control to say, “Are you sure Dan? You don’t have to-”

 

The words died in his throat as he felt Dan’s tongue move wetly from the base all the way up to the head before enveloping him in the heat of his mouth. Phil groaned and slid a hand through Dan’s hair to gently grip the back of his head. Dan was enthusiastic and surprisingly skillful, varying the pace and rhythm and using his hand where his mouth couldn’t reach. It wasn’t long before Phil had to bite down hard on his fist to control himself. Then Dan moaned low in his throat and Phil felt the vibration send shocks of pleasure shooting through his whole body. He gripped Dan’s hair and choked out “Dan, I’m gonna come,” as a warning, but Dan just took him deeper and sucked harder. Phil felt his body tense and his toes curl as he peaked and spilled into Dan’s mouth.

 

Once he was finished and his limbs were jelly, he pulled Dan up and kissed him gently.

 

“Was it ok?” Dan asked.

 

“No,” Phil said. “Not ok. Fucking incredible. You are incredible.”

 

Dan smiled as he lay down next to Phil. Phil allowed himself a moment to recover before climbing on top of Dan and asking “My turn?”

 

“God yes.”

 

Phil slipped Dan’s pants off and kissed him deeply, wrapping a hand around him and stroking slowly. Then he teasingly worked his mouth down Dan’s body, kissing and biting before finally taking him into his mouth. He took him deep, delighting in the absolutely filthy sounds that fell from Dan’s mouth. He felt Dan grip his hair tightly and thrust his hips forward, pushing himself further into Phil’s throat and losing himself in the pleasure. It made warmth curl in the pit of Phil’s stomach to think that he was the one who got to make Dan feel like that. Soon Dan was crying out and shuddering and Phil tasted the sharpness of Dan’s orgasm on his tongue.

 

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan breathed. They lay beside each other, breathing heavily, coming down together.

 

“Are you sure you’ve never done that before?” Phil asked suddenly.

 

“I’ve been doing a lot of research,” Dan chuckled. “I wanted it to be good for you.”

 

“It was, Dan. It was so good.”

 

“You were too. Like, ridiculously good. Sorry if I was rough with you, I literally couldn’t control myself.”

 

“I liked it,” Phil said softly. “I like making you feel good.”

 

Dan turned over onto his side and wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist, pulling him closer so his back was flush with Dan’s chest. “My turn to be the big spoon for once.”

 

Phil smiled and placed his hand on top of Dan’s. They were silent for a while, listening to each other breathe and basking in the warmth of so much skin pressed together.

 

Phil was just starting to slip into unconsciousness when he heard Dan whisper, “Phil?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Do you… do you still want to… do everything?”

 

“I want to do whatever you want to do,” Phil replied, trying desperately to keep his tone neutral. Dan didn’t need to know that Phil was desperate for as much of him as he could possibly get, that he had never felt such love and lust and he didn’t want to wait anymore, for any of it. “What do you want, Dan?”

 

“I want everything.” He said it quietly but assuredly, and Phil felt heat bloom on his cheeks.

 

“Did you… practice?” He asked tentatively.

 

“Yeah,” Dan whispered.

 

“And?”

 

“It was… good. Eventually.” Dan leaned forward a little and whispered, “I want to feel you do it.”

 

Phil’s stomach swooped. “Jesus, Dan,” He huffed out a breath as he squeezed Dan’s hand.

 

“Is that a yes?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

“When?”

 

“Whenever the fuck you want.” He didn’t usually curse so much, but Dan seemed to have that effect on him.

 

Dan laughed. “Ok. I have to sleep now, though. You wore me out.”

 

*

 

When Phil awoke the next morning he could hear the slow steady breathing of the sleeping boy next to him. They were both lying on their backs, Dan’s leg draped over Phil’s, his arm thrown across Phil’s chest. Phil noticed with a burst of affection that Dan looked impossibly young as he slept, his long fringe falling over his eyes, mouth open slightly. He didn’t want to wake him, but he couldn’t help reaching out and brushing the hair to the side.

 

Dan smiled as he opened his eyes. “Morning, Philly.”

 

“Morning. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“I’m glad you did. You’re naked.”

 

Phil laughed. “So are you!”

 

“Oh yeah,” Dan said as he pulled Phil closer. “That’s good. Saves us having to take our clothes off all over again.”

 

“Oh to be eighteen again,” Phil giggled, rolling his eyes.

 

“Kiss me, old man.”

 

Phil leaned in and pecked Dan on the lips. “Gotta brush my teeth and take my contacts out. I left them in last night and my eyes are killing me.”

 

“Fine,” Dan pouted. “I’ll be in the kitchen eating all your food.”

 

*

 

When Phil came to join Dan in the kitchen, he was surprised to find him standing over a sizzling pan on the stove, flipping pancakes. He came up behind Dan, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder.

 

“You’re cooking.”

 

“Mhmm,” Dan murmured, smiling.

 

“My boyfriend is perfect.”

 

Dan laughed. “God we’re gross. Can you make me a coffee?”

 

They spent the next three hours sat across from each other at Phil’s kitchen table, eating pancakes, drinking coffee after coffee, making plans for the future. Phil studied Dan’s face as he talked, enraptured by the boy’s chapped pink lips and dimpled cheeks. Was this what it felt like to be in love? This fluttering in his stomach and longing in his heart? This burgeoning feeling that his life would be duller for every day they were forced to spend apart?

 

He was tempted to say it right then. In that moment more than any other before it, watching Dan shovel pancakes into his mouth and rant on about Kanye West, he felt the affection so fiercely he could taste it on his tongue.

 

They’d texted each other the words after their first weekend together, but never since. He hadn’t realized then the true gravity of those words, the depth of feeling that he had yet to uncover. He thought that he had probably still only scratched the surface of emotion he was going to grow to feel for Dan, and the intensity of this discovery choked him up with a strange intermingling of fear and excitement.

 

No matter what lay ahead, his life was going to be different now. He was in love.

 

*

 

They were sprawled out on Phil’s sofa ignoring the episode of Buffy playing in the background, hands wandering and lips pressed together when Phil’s phone rang.

 

“Ignore it,” Dan breathed against Phil’s neck. He was lying on top of Phil, his hips nestled between Phil’s legs.

 

“Shit, can’t, it’s my mum,” Phil swore. “She’ll just keep calling.”

 

“Go on, then,” Dan said. He didn’t move away, just continued sucking and biting lightly at Phil’s neck.

 

Phil felt too good to insist, just sucked in a deep breath to control the panting and answered, “Hi mum.”

 

“Hello Phil, just calling to check in, love.”

 

“You’ve only been gone for two days mum. Everything’s fine.” He had to work hard to keep his voice steady as Dan sucked harder at the spot below Phil’s jaw. A tiny moan escaped his lips. He froze.

 

“What are you doing, Phil? What was that?”

 

“We’re just… watching a film.” He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed she’d leave it at that. Dan didn’t stop. In fact his hands had pushed up under Phil’s shirt and were stroking the hair on his chest.

 

“Phil, do you have a girl over there?”

 

“Of course not! It’s just… just me and Dan here.” He felt his pulse racing, and not just because he had a horny boy on top of him, biting his shoulder and gently thrusting against him. He had all but admitted to his mother that it was Dan making him moan.

 

“Oh, right, I thought I heard… something. Alright, love, I’ll speak to you later,” she said cheerfully.

 

Phil felt a lump in his throat as he hung up. “Dan,” he said sadly.

 

“What’s wrong?” Dan sat up immediately when he heard Phil’s tone.

 

“She heard us. She asked if I had a girl over. I told her it was you and she just…” He was surprised by the ache he felt in his chest. “It’s like, it didn’t even occur to her that we… that you…”

 

“Phil. It’s ok.” Dan took hold of Phil’s hand and squeezed gently.

 

Phil looked into Dan’s eyes. He knew that Dan didn’t understand.

 

“Yeah,” Phil whispered, choking back the emotion that threatened to spill out. This was a problem for another time. Right then, he wanted to lose himself in Dan, to surrender to the passion that had been building between them.

 

He pulled Dan back down to lie on his chest and held him tightly. “Where were we?” He murmured into Dan’s neck.

 

Before long they were breathless and rutting against each other, Dan’s fingers tangled up in Phil’s hair, Phil’s hands squeezing Dan’s ass. Dan pulled his mouth from Phil’s and panted, “Can we go to your room?”

 

They stumbled their way to the bedroom, stopping every few seconds to kiss and grope. Finally they collapsed on the bed together, Dan on top of Phil. Phil wasted no time in pulling Dan’s shirt off and kissing his chest before unbuckling Dan’s belt, unzipping his fly and yanking his jeans down as far as he could, growling, “Take these damn things off.”

 

As soon as Dan had wriggled his jeans down and kicked them off, Phil flipped over so that he was on top of Dan. He sat on Dan’s hips for a moment and stared at the beauty of this mostly naked man underneath him. His skin thrummed with excitement as he reached out to run his hands down Dan’s smooth chest.

 

Dan reached up and pulled Phil’s shirt off before saying, “You need to be wearing less clothes.”

 

Phil laughed but moved quickly to take off his jeans. Then he curled his fingers under the waistband of Dan’s pants and pulled them off. Dan sucked in a breath as Phil started placing wet kisses on his hipbone. He nudged Dan’s legs open and moved between them, lying on his stomach with his head above Dan’s straining cock.

 

Dan sighed as Phil took him in his mouth. Phil felt Dan’s fingers in his hair and a thrill ran through him as Dan tightened his grip and tugged when Phil went deeper.

 

Phil continued sucking, unhurried and deliberate, until he heard Dan pant, “Phil, Phil… I want you to…” He spread his legs a little wider and Phil understood. His heart was pounding.

 

“You sure?” Phil asked.

 

Dan nodded.

 

Phil’s hands were shaking as he reached to open his bedside drawer, pulling out a small bottle of lube. He held it tightly as he leaned down to kiss Dan, trying to get lost in the moment again and chase away the anxiety building in his chest. He knew he was being irrational, knew that Dan was probably feeling ten times more nervous, knew that he should be the one to keep his composure so he could make the experience as good as possible for Dan. He’d done this before; he knew how good it could feel if done properly.

 

“Phil?” Dan whispered.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are you scared?”

 

“Yeah,” Phil choked out quietly.

 

“Don’t be,” Dan said. “I want it. I want you.”

 

Phil’s stomach fluttered. He swallowed his fear and uncapped the bottle, coating his fingers in the slippery liquid.

 

“What’s that smell?” Dan asked.

 

“Oh, uh, it’s the lube… it’s cherry flavoured.”

 

Dan laughed. “Phil you kinky fucker!”

 

Phil grinned. Laughter was good. He felt warmth in his chest and leaned in again to connect his mouth with Dan’s, kissing him insistently. He moved his slippery hand down and wrapped it around Dan again, gliding it up and down, twisting, making Dan moan directly into Phil’s mouth. He waited until Dan was bucking up into Phil’s hand and panting before moving his hand down lower to gently rub his finger along the sensitive skin there.

 

Dan gasped.

 

“Is it ok?” Phil asked.

 

Dan nodded vigorously. “Really good.”

 

Phil quickly coated his fingers again just to be sure, then ever so slowly pushed the slick tip of his index finger inside Dan. He stopped, allowing Dan time to adjust.

 

“Ok, it’s ok, I’m good, you can do more.”

 

So Phil did more. Slowly and gingerly he pushed in deeper, crooking his finger experimentally, spurred on by the feeling of Dan moving under him and sighing softly in his ear. It was intimate and sweet, a slow drag of gentle friction.

 

Until he curled his finger just right and brushed that little bundle of nerves that had Dan moaning loudly and arching his back and begging for more, more, more.

 

Phil had to bite down hard on his lip and remind himself to work the second finger in gradually to save Dan from soreness later; Dan was too far gone to listen to reason. It wasn’t long before Dan panted, “Phil, so good, I need to come, please…”

 

Phil wrapped his other hand around Dan’s cock and pumped hard and fast until he felt Dan clench around his fingers, watched his eyes screw shut and his hands grip the sheets as he came hard in Phil’s hand.

 

Phil kissed Dan lightly on the lips, pulling his fingers out and wiping them on the sheets. He lay down next to Dan, who was clearly still reeling. Phil smiled and tried to ignore the throbbing need between his own legs.

 

“Oh my god, Phil.”

 

“You ok there?” Phil asked teasingly.

 

“I don’t even know. Fuck.” He ran his fingers through his hair and looked at Phil. “I guess I don’t have to worry about what I like anymore.”

 

Phil shuffled closer to Dan, overwhelmed with the feeling of contentedness that came from discovering in yet another way how good they were together. He felt his cock press through his boxers against Dan’s naked hip.

 

The contact seemed to pull Dan from the post-orgasm fog; he rolled over and hitched his leg over Phil to sit on his thighs, pulling the boxers down. He grabbed the lube and grinned. “Your turn.”

 

*

 

“I never want to leave this bed. I’m staying here forever,” Dan said the next morning, arms wrapped around Phil’s chest.

 

“We’ll get hungry eventually,” Phil chuckled, but he hugged Dan closer.

 

“You don’t have any food in your house anyway. There’s nothing but muesli and bran.”

 

“We could go out and get food.”

 

“We could,” Dan said. “But then you’d have to put on pants.”

 

Phil laughed. “How about a gourmet breakfast of toast, then?”

 

“More like lunch at this point.”

 

They finally dragged themselves out of bed at 3pm, burned their toast and settled on Phil’s sofa. They cuddled into each other and watched WALL-E and cried. They scrounged through the fridge and attempted to make pizza, but after burning that too, they gave up and retreated back into the cozy confines of Phil’s bedroom. They both posted to Dailybooth and Twitter, and entertained the idea of filming a video for Dan’s channel, but soon enough Phil found himself on his bed and underneath Dan once again.

 

Their kisses were wet and deep, their hands caressing each other tenderly. Phil knew they were on a precipice now, and the air around them felt thick with a nervous anticipation.

 

Dan pulled back then and said, “I uh… do you mind if I go shower?” His cheeks turned pink.

 

“Oh. Yeah, of course,” Phil stammered. “Do you… do you want me to come with?”

 

Dan smiled sheepishly. “Mmm. Yeah. But just give me like five minutes head start, k?”

 

Phil nodded. He lay down and stared at the ceiling once Dan had gone, trying to breathe and chase away the mounting nerves. He wanted this. He’d never wanted anything more. And he knew Dan felt the same.

 

When it was time, he knocked on the bathroom door.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He took off his clothes, pulled open the shower curtain and stepped into the steamy spray. He looked at Dan and felt overcome with happiness and yearning and affection. He didn’t quite know why, but standing there in the mist, seeing Dan’s wet curls falling into his eyes and watching the water flow down his naked body, he couldn’t keep it to himself another moment.

 

“I love you Dan.”

 

“I know,” Dan said, smiling. “I love you too.”

 

Phil didn’t kiss him, or reach out to touch the parts of him that he knew he soon would. Instead he lathered shampoo in Dan’s hair and closed his eyes as Dan did the same for him. They scrubbed themselves clean and wrapped towels around each other, returning to Phil’s bedroom smelling of coconut.

 

Phil reached for Dan’s hand and pulled him close. “So…what do you want to do now?” he smiled cheekily.

 

“Shut up, you dingus!” Dan laughed.

 

“Sorry. I get silly when I’m nervous.”

 

“You don’t need to be nervous, Phil, honestly,” Dan said softly.

 

“I’ve never done this before,” Phil whispered.

 

“Neither have I. Not like this.”

 

Dan kissed him then, and pushed him onto the bed gently, pulling off their towels and lowering his naked body onto Phil’s.

 

Hands and mouths wandered, memorizing the shape and taste of each other in the darkness. Phil honestly didn’t know how he wanted it to happen until Dan said, “I want you inside me,” and Phil realized yes, yes, he wanted that too.

 

He worked Dan open slowly, taking care to make him feel good but careful not to bring him too close to the edge. When he was ready, Dan lowered himself onto Phil slowly, so slowly that Phil had to exert what felt like superhuman levels of self-control not to push in deeper.

 

The feeling of Dan around him was like nothing Phil had ever felt before. It was warm and tight and incredibly intimate in a way that he could never have imagined. He kept his eyes on Dan’s face, wanting to catalogue every expression, every soft sigh and sharp moan.

 

When Dan lay himself down on Phil’s chest and kissed him, Phil’s heart flipped over and he suddenly understood why it was sometimes called making love. Everything was warm and tingly and sweet and the way they fit together made him feel as if he’d found a piece of himself he’d never known he was missing.

 

Eventually the slow gentle pace gave way to something a little hotter and a lot more urgent as Phil gripped Dan’s hips and pushed himself up deeper. He wondered how he was ever going to focus on anything ever again now that he knew how fucking good it felt to move inside of Dan.

 

Dan ground down and Phil thrust up until he felt like he might explode and Dan panted “Touch me.” Phil wrapped his hand around Dan’s cock and tugged until he heard him cry out and felt him pulsing in his hand. The look on Dan’s face and the sound of his moan and the feeling of Dan clenching around him was too much and Phil felt his own orgasm slam into him and rock through his whole body.

 

They held each other until their breath returned, then cleaned up quickly and slotted their bodies back together underneath the covers. They were quiet, both seemingly overwhelmed with the profoundly satisfying and life-altering confirmation that they were a perfect match, that even though they were young and green, they may have found forever in each other.

 

“Hey, Phil, I think we had an audience,” Dan laughed, pointing to the Kill Bill poster on Phil’s door.

 

Phil smiled and shook his head. Leave it to Dan to fill a loaded silence with a stupid joke.

 

“She got a good show,” Phil teased.

 

“So,” Dan said. “That was… pretty fucking good, right?”

 

Phil blushed and hid his face in Dan’s neck. “Yeah. Definitely.”

 

After many giggles and whispered ‘I love yous,’ they drifted to sleep, blissful and content, the air scented with cherry.

 

*

 

Phil wandered from room to room, tidying furiously, hoping he could make the place at least semi-presentable before his family’s return. The house felt uncomfortably empty now that Dan was on the train home, and Phil couldn’t help the slightly hollow feeling in his chest at the absence.

 

He smiled thinking back on the last few days of Dan’s visit, filled with laughter and sex and joy and he wondered how he was going to live his life now that a piece of his heart was on the other side of the country.

 

Maybe it wouldn’t always be like this. Maybe somewhere down the line Phil’s skin wouldn’t thrum at Dan’s every touch, his mind wouldn’t be singularly focused on this one person, but for now he was allowing himself to bask in the ridiculous all-consuming glow of first love.

 

When his family returned, his mum insisted on sitting down together for a family meal, which was not a surprise but twisted Phil’s stomach in a knot all the same. The incredibly transformative week he’d just spent with Dan had only further deepened the divide between who he really was and who his parents believed him to be.

 

He still had no idea how to close this divide when they all sat down to eat.

 

“How was your week, Phil? We missed you, love, I hope you’ll come with us next time,” his mum asked cheerfully. She was a kind woman and had always been a loving mother. Phil felt his heart beat faster as he realized that keeping this part of himself from her was hurting him, and he really didn’t want to do it anymore.

 

“Yeah, it was really good, we had a lot of fun. I’m sorry I didn’t come, I just… I really wanted to spend time with Dan.” He decided then that he wasn’t going to lie. He didn’t want to hide the truth anymore. But he wasn’t sure he was ready for a full-fledged confession, either.

 

“You boys really get on then? Wasn’t he round just a few weeks ago?”

 

“Yeah…” Phil thought for sure she must know, she must be about to say something.

 

“And he lives where? Reading?”

 

“Yeah, in Wokingham.”

 

Martyn noticed the look of apprehension in Phil’s eyes and tried to help him. “He does YouTube like Phil mum, they make videos together.”

 

“Oh, right. Well he seems like a lovely young man.”

 

“Yeah, he is. Is it alright if he stays over next weekend? There’s a YouTube gathering thing in London and we want to… see each other… before it.” He was stuttering a bit, wondering when she would pick up on the trail of breadcrumbs he was leaving.

 

“Phil, you don’t have to ask anymore to have friends over,” she laughed. “You’re not a child. Will he want to stay here, though? He won’t be able to sleep in Martyn’s room this time.”

 

“Actually mum…”

 

“And Reading is much closer to London than we are. Wouldn’t it be easier just to meet there?”

 

He realized then that she would never know the truth if he tried to tell it to her in bits and pieces of hints and half-truths. If he wanted his parents to know who he was, he was going to have to tell them. The image of Dan’s crinkly-eyed smile and dimpled cheeks appeared behind his eyes and he knew that he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

 

His heart was hammering in his throat. “Actually mum, Dan can sleep with me in my room…” he said slowly, locking eyes with her. “Because he’s not just my friend.”

 

“What do you mean, Phil?” She wasn’t smiling anymore. Neither was his father. Even Martyn looked surprised.

 

“Dan is my boyfriend.”

 

Silence. His mum frowned in confusion.

 

“You’re gay?” His father’s voice was sharp and incredulous. Phil felt his heart sink.

 

“Nigel!” His mother snapped.

 

“I’m not gay,” Phil said quietly. “I’m still attracted to girls.”

 

“But…”

 

“I don’t… I’ve not really thought about what I… _am_. I don’t… I don’t think it really matters what I call myself.”

 

There was more silence. Martyn gave him a sympathetic look, but seemed unable to think of anything to say to help him now. Phil looked at his mother. She was looking down at her plate, lost in thought.

 

He hadn’t known what to expect, but he had hoped it wouldn’t be this. He stood up and turned away, fighting back the tears as he escaped to his room.

 

He flopped onto his bed and shoved his face into his pillow, squeezing his eyes shut hard. He didn’t want to cry; he knew he’d done the right thing. He didn’t want to live a lie in his own house, not when the thing he was hiding was so pure and special and good.

 

He grabbed his phone and scrolled through the wealth of photos he and Dan had taken that week. It made him feel a tiny bit happier, looking at those photos and knowing that he was in love and hoping that some day his parents could see that.

 

He was about to call Dan when he heard a soft knock on his door.

 

“Phil?” It was his mum.

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

“I’m coming in, love.”

 

Phil sat up and hugged his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on his knee as his mum entered the room and sat beside him. She placed a hand on his arm. He didn’t look up.

 

“I’m sorry, Phil. We shouldn’t have reacted that way.” She waited for a response, but when Phil gave none she continued, “You just… you took us by surprise.”

 

“Dad hates me now,” Phil whispered, hating how young it made him sound.

 

“No, never. He just… you know your father. He’s a man’s man.”

 

“I’m still a man,” Phil said defensively.

 

“Of course you are. And a very brave one at that.”

 

“I’m not brave mum, I just… fell in love,” he said softly, looking up at her then.

 

“Love?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Oh, Phil, that’s wonderful,” she said, and Phil felt his throat burn thickly with emotion.

 

He let go of his knees and looked at her, his mind reeling with a million questions he didn’t know how to ask. He settled instead for leaning forward and tucking his face into her shoulder, allowing her to envelop him in her arms and whisper, “It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.” He thought that maybe she was trying to convince herself more than anything.

 

He knew she wasn’t ok. He knew she had a million questions of her own, but neither of them was going to have the courage to ask any of them that night. She would hold him for a while before leaving him alone to cry while she did the same.

 

But he also knew beyond a doubt that she loved him, and he hoped eventually that would be enough.

 

*

 

“How was the train?” He’d called Dan as soon as his mum left the room. Usually they Skyped, but he didn’t want Dan to see his red eyes or tear-stained cheeks.

 

“Long. Boring. Lonely.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Phil winced as he heard his voice break.

 

“Phil? What’s wrong?”

 

He was quiet a long time before saying, “I came out to my parents.”

 

Dan was quiet awhile too. “So… it didn’t go well, then?”

 

“Not really,” Phil whispered sadly, swallowing the lump reforming in his throat.

 

“I wish I was back there.”

 

“Me too,” Phil whispered.

 

“Can I tell you something?” Dan asked.

 

“Ok.”

 

“My mum knows too,” Dan said quickly.

 

“What? You came out to your mum? When?”

 

“Actually I didn’t have to say anything. When I told her I was going to be staying at your place for a week she asked me how long we’d been together and when I’d planned on telling her the truth. I guess I’m not as good at hiding as you,” Dan chuckled.

 

“And she was… ok with it?” Phil asked.

 

“Yeah. I think she’s known this about me for a long time.”

 

“That’s… that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you, Dan,” Phil said, trying to force cheer into his voice. He _was_ happy for Dan, if not incredibly envious.

 

“Phil, I’ve met your family. Maybe they’ll need a little time to get used to the idea, but it’s going to be alright. I’ve never met a closer family than yours. I bet there’s nothing you could tell them that would change that.”

 

Phil felt the tears threatening to return. “You think?”

 

“I know.” And he sounded like he did.

 

“I wish I could kiss you right now,” Phil said.

 

“Someday you won’t be able to get rid of me. I’ll be there before you go to sleep and when you wake and you’ll be able to kiss me whenever you want.”

 

Phil’s heart flipped in his chest as he imagined that future. A future full of kisses and laughter and happiness. A future full of Dan.

 

“I can’t wait.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm waveydnp on tumblr, come say hi :)


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